It has been over a year since my Grandma passed,
and her story still stands out to me today. As a little girl, I will never
forget her long, perfectly manicured nails (which she did herself) that were
constantly in shades of red, mauve and pearlescent pink. Since I wasn't allowed
to wear nail polish at the time, I always begged her to let me
"borrow" her nail polish, and she would never say "no."
Walks to the local 7-Eleven for ice-cream with her and my siblings were a weekly
tradition.
My Grandma was always a very private person, only
sharing tidbits of her personal life with us. Even though she lived with us,
she sometimes came off rather cold and distant. However, we knew she loved us
deep down inside, as my Grandma just had a different way of showing it.
Her story is a tragic one during a time of
political unrest in China. My Grandfather was the headmaster of the school at
which my Grandma taught, and they had recently conceived their second child (my
father), when my Grandfather was turned in by a relative to the authorities and
killed. As a result, she was a widow most of her life, raising my father and
his sister nearly all on her own.
My Grandma hardly spoke of my Grandfather, even
though decades had passed. There were no photos left behind to recollect his
memory, as I am assuming it was too difficult for her to reminisce. They say
that even when someone passes away, you continue to make new discoveries about
them. It wasn't until after my Grandma's passing, that I began to understand
more of who and why she was the way she was. She spent most of her life as a
social worker, specializing in working with orphans. I often wondered if her
work in helping others allowed her to find some sort of healing from her past.
No one but God, would have been able to empathize
with the pain and sorrow of what she had gone through when losing my
Grandfather. I wish I took the opportunity to ask her about her past-- how she
coped with the feelings of betrayal from a relative, along with the burden of
losing a spouse, and when healing and forgiveness took place.
I have never dealt with learning to forgive on the
level my Grandma had to go through, but I was reminded of her story after she
passed. Forgiveness has been a recurrent theme the Lord has been
hammering in me for the past few years. I've heard the word plenty of times
growing up in the church: Christ died so that our sins would be forgiven-- the
concept of grace never became personal for me until I left for college,
and then it was demonstrated to me again through my own husband.
I have learned to receive such undeserving grace,
but yet the past few years have had me holding onto past hurts. I felt entitled
to my ill feelings towards certain friendships I had invested in, that had
grown distant through our own pride and misunderstandings. I allowed the seeds of
bitterness to take root within my heart. However petty and insignificant the
reasons behind my unforgiveness were, I could not seem to let things go. It
wasn't until someone painted an illustration for me, revealing that unforgiveness
was like drinking the poison that was intended for the other person. That
really struck a chord, and I began to open my eyes to see the damage I was
doing not only to others, but to myself.
It has been a slow learning process, these past few
years...and I am still learning today. Choosing to forgive is a daily quest,
and I find myself struggling, even with my own children. Love does not come
easy, but I am reminded that there is a perfect love out there. And it
holds no record of wrongs. It is kind, it protects, it doesn't dishonor
others, it isn't self-seeking, nor easily angered. It doesn't delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes and always perseveres. Most importantly, love never fails (1 Cor.
13:4-8).
The ultimate definition of love is found through
The One who created love and exemplified it through dying on a cross for broken
people like me. I find myself asking:
If Christ died not only for
sinners, but for those who ridiculed and despised him, who am I to hold
judgement and unforgiveness towards others?
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| I am looking forward to the day when I will see her in heaven -- renewed and completely restored. |
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