One, two, three.

Three kids. I still can't believe it. Six months later, I still pinch myself whenever I see three sets of eyes staring right back at me. So what is life like with three kids under five? Surprisingly enough, we're all still alive (can't say that all my houseplants are), and the transition from one to two was actually tougher than two to three. Many of the factors revolved around several transitions our family was going through during that time, and the most challenging part was our oldest child rebelling and scoffing at the idea of sharing his throne with his baby brother. There were many dark moments during that time when I felt so alone and completely incapable of raising my children.

Fast forward to the transition of having three kiddos, and I still feel incapable of most days. Often times, us Mamas are guilty of portraying parenthood on social media as being a walk in the park (literally, figuratively), filled with eventful, craft-filled days and excursions. And yes, there are wonderful moments that we don't want to forget, and use it as a bragging tool to pat ourselves on the back, but it is merely 10% of our days. Don't get me wrong, being a Mama to the littles is too indescribable for words, and I would never trade it for my life pre-children (I still have my moments). However, it is the hardest job I have ever had to take on, and there are no real "lunch or potty breaks" involved.  When you think you've got it down, an event seems to knock you back down on your feet-- take last week for example, when I silently cheered myself on for getting all three kids out the door and into the van somewhat on time, and then realized when I heard a loud scrape, that I had left the trunk door open as I was exiting the garage...ouch.

On the other hand, having three littles definitely hasn't been easier physically-- in fact, it can be extremely physically taxing. Emotionally, I haven't been as much of a train wreck, but I do have my moments, especially when the Husband is out of town. Never have I whined and complained as much as I do now (probably explains the Hub's extensive wine collection, heh heh ^^), and clearly it is something I need to work on. And just when I am filled with Mama-guilt, thinking I'm the only one feeling these awful feelings, I connect with other Mamas and realize this "thankless slavery" (as one Mama terms it) truly is the ultimate form of sanctification. It is a glimpse of what it means to "lose your life" for the sake of little beings that sometimes seem ungrateful and more devilish than angelic. I find myself fighting against my nature of wanting to hold onto myself pre-kids for selfish reasons, and it is a constant battle. It makes marriage feel like riding with the training wheels still attached.

So how is a Mama to survive? Some things that have helped me get through the transition...

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Reach out 
Again, no Mama can live on an island, and it truly does take a village to raise a child or children. We've been extremely thankful for our church community and friends who have brought us meals during the early months of transition! There were a couple weeks when I was battling major pinkeye (thanks, Lukey!) and feeling miserable, and it was such a blessing to have meals lovingly delivered when we needed it most. I am also thankful for my fellow Mama friends out there, who lend an ear or time out of their busy schedules to empathize/sympathize/rant/pray with me. I honestly don't know where I would be without their support.

Let go 
There isn't enough time in the day for all your checklists to be completed, and curveballs will always throw you off schedule. I've learned that I need to be okay with not getting everything done, and I'm also learning to stop being so darn hard on myself when things aren't completed (hello, laundry!) by the end of the week. And who's going to tell if the kids haven't bathed in a couple of days? ; ) I'm not SuperMom, nor will I ever be, and I have to be okay with that. My priority needs to be making sure the kids are alright, alive and fed. Sure, we are also responsible for teaching and guiding our children, but we cannot control every situation and how these little people may respond with their big personalities. Control shouldn't be our motive, but so much of our energy is put into "controlling" our children, especially in a public setting. The Hubs sent me a link to this podcast  on disciplining with love, and I found it to be most encouraging and relieving.

Tune-out 
We are flooded with a plethora of information in this day and age. And all of a sudden, everyone is telling you how you should or shouldn't raise your child. I've let the criticisms and opinions of others get to me (some with well intentions), and I find that it has been mostly unproductive and discouraging in bringing up a child. The controversies and biases with discipline, diet, sleep, emotional, spiritual and physical upbringing of children are enough to drive you mad. Yes, there are great nuggets of information that ARE helpful, and I think it's always good to read and do your own research when it comes to parenting. However, there isn't a cure-all, one-size-fits-all solution for every child. I still find myself experimenting and seeing what works best with each child, and I still don't have answers to many things...but the more I let the outside noises affect how I raise my kids, the less empowered I feel as a Mama.

Heart Matters
On the contrary, one of the best advice I've received was from a more seasoned Mama, who told me she was praying for the Lord to change her son, only to realize the Lord was telling her that she was the one that needed to change. For some reason, that really resonated with me, as I have been struggling in guiding my oldest child. It caused me to pause and wonder, "is most of my angst coming from whether or not my child's behavior is a reflection of my parenting and self-worth?" If so, that is a huge amount of pressure for a child, and they can sense it. How my child behaves does not define who I am as a person. A bigger question I've been trying to ask myself is, "what is going on within their hearts that is causing the actions that follow?"

Look up

This has been the most important realization for me -- I used to think I had my life somewhat in control, until the littles came along. I've noticed that when I don't begin my day with prayer, I'm a hot mess. I cannot do this mammoth-sized task of raising children on my own, and it takes a super-natural being to help me fight my daily battles. Oh, and grace! I am constantly in need of His amazing grace for me, especially when I fail and lose my cookies, which happens more often than I'd like.

Tri-pod photo of the fam (best way to get family photos without anyone missing, even if it is a little blurry ^^) 

The Gift of Being Present

Last month set us up for a scare when JJ had a febrile seizure for the first time. He had a fever that day, so we decided to give him a bath. After singing and playing merrily along, he grew quiet and refused to get out of the tub. My husband called me into the bathroom to finish bathing him. That was when he went underwater, and appeared to be motionless. I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. I began to panic, and immediately lifted him out of the tub. We called 9-1-1 and the operator asked us a few questions and gave us instructions. When my husband tried opening our son's mouth, he clamped down hard onto his finger. At that moment, we realized he was having a seizure and laid him on his side.  I remembered my younger brother going through a seizure when he was a little younger than JJ, and felt slight relief, knowing that he would most likely be okay. The operator calmed us down and had us check for breathing, which he was doing on his own. He began going in and out of consciousness and ended up falling asleep as the paramedics and fire department arrived. The paramedics drove us to the ER, where they checked him out and looked for signs of an infection (which they couldn't find). They concluded that his seizure was caused by a quickly escalating fever, and said that in the future we would need to be more aggressive in alternating between fever reducers to keep his fever  down. 

That night I could not sleep peacefully, as I replayed the incident over and over in my mind. What would have happened if we left him for more than five minutes? The thought made me feel sick to my stomach. Earlier that morning, JJ had told me he was feeling sad and wanted me to hold him. I held him for a minute and told him I needed to make him breakfast. Looking back, I felt overwhelmed with guilt. If something horrible had happened to my baby, how much regret would I have had for not spending more time holding him while I could? I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but I couldn't help but think about the what if's. All he wanted was for me to be present, and the Lord clearly revealed my constant struggle to be present- not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.    

They say on average, most children barely receive 3 minutes of undisrupted time with their parents without distractions (iPhones, laptops, household duties...). It is the sad reality of being part of a tech-media-savvy generation. Being a stay-at-home-mom, I'm physically present all day, and sometimes the endless needs can feel overwhelming. I tend to have a Martha complex when I'm at home, trying to tie all the loose ends to ensure our home is in place and everyone is well fed. However, I am learning (and fighting through) to take the time to fully be in the present, to focus on quality versus quantity. And this carries on over beyond my children, but also in my relationship with God. How difficult it is to sit and be still... 

On a side note, other than the ER scare, the transition has been less intense and we are beginning to adapt to the new bebe. JJ thoroughly enjoys spending time with his baby brother, but there are still times when pangs of jealousy arise, as expected. Below are some iPhone (mostly) photos of some of the more pleasant moments...^^

My tan bubba ^^

Pushed to the Limit

Don't let this photo fool you, but life with two young children for the past six weeks has been a challenge to say the least. I had been warned by seasoned parents that the transition from 1-2 kids would be exponentially difficult, so I was bracing for it physically, but hadn't anticipated how it would also be emotionally draining. I suppose every parent has a different experience, and no one child is alike, but it seems like the general consensus here is that raising children is no walk in the park. And speaking of, the first time I decided to take the both of them for a walk in the park, my oldest fell flat onto the cement when he refused to listen to me about going uphill. The end result was blood streaming down his nose, in addition to a giant goose egg emerging on his forehead hours later (thankfully he hadn't broken anything).

I laugh uneasily now, looking back and thinking about how I thought that the terrible two's weren't really too terrible with JJ. Since his brother has arrived, we have seen a different side of him that makes us wonder if he had been waiting to unleash this animal at the most inopportune time. My husband and I joke (sometimes seriously) that we want to send him off to boarding school. Though he had always been gentle with other babies, we were in for a surprise when ours came along. What would start off as gentle caressing and kisses turned into grabbing, pulling and head bopping/smacking his poor little brother.  The actions would increase when there were visitors and he sensed that his attention was threatened. Eating on his own, sleeping through the night and having dry diapers in the morning have become past luxuries. We started off by giving him "extra" attention by playing with him or taking him out exclusively. But after seeing little to no improvement, our patience wore thin and we began scolding him, putting him in multiple time-outs and taking toys away. We also tried telling him over and over again that we love him and he is special to us. He must've sensed our bi-polar responses. However, once I felt as though we were moving forward, another event seemed to push us several steps backwards. 

I recall the early weeks when I was nursing the little one, and JJ demanded to have my attention by attacking his little brother. I tried my best to remain calm by attempting to play with him using my other free arm- but he just wouldn't have it and began to cry big tears, causing the baby to cry. I looked at him and began to cry myself, feeling helpless and at a loss for wisdom. There have been a few more similar incidences, resulting in mini breakdowns. This morning was one of them, especially upon hearing that a close relative felt that I couldn't properly teach my toddler how to love his brother..and the events that followed this morning seemed to confirm that statement. 

But just when I feel that I cannot take anymore, the Lord brings a friend or two into my life to give me a sense of hope and encouragement, reminding me that He is there and that he cares. And it is times like these that place me on my knees, crying out in repentance to God for losing it with my child and desperately seeking his wisdom. Being humbled by my own pride, I am reminded that it has been awhile since I've been at this point of desperation for God, needing him every moment of my seemingly mundane day. 

I know it is still too early for us to have "figured out" this whole parenting thing once again (if anyone ever has), but I am learning to take it day by day. My husband told me he recently read about how we will forever be complacent until we are stretched, and though it is painful at the time, it is only then that we grow and experience what the Lord is trying to teach us.  If anything, being a parent has truly brought out the worst (and maybe sometimes best) in me. I guess in hindsight there is something worthwhile that can arise out of all this. We are constantly being refined until the day we die, and knowing that gives me a sense of hope to overcome my daily battles as a parent. 

To the parents of multiples, I have much respect and admiration for you, and this desperate Mama warmly welcomes any advice or suggestions (I am all Googled out, and yes I am too lazy to begin a new book on parenting...don't get me started on the number of unfinished books I have lying around)!

Bye-bye Winter.

The photos above were taken on a whim during one of the biggest downpours Southern California has experienced in what felt like years. All of us were also fighting the worst cold ever when the Hubby suggested we take Little J out to see the rain. I was a bit hesitant at first, as I battled through thoughts of pneumonia and other scary outcomes- typical Mom thing to do. However, I was glad we took his suggestion, because Little J had so much fun walking around in the rain (we bundled him up rather nicely) and seeing what was normally a barely trickling stream turn into "white water rapids."

March has definitely been an interesting month - fighting off the nasty, lingering cold that has overextended its stay and infected our entire family, to the random earthquakes and series of aftershocks that followed. In the midst of all that were glorious celebrations such as my baby sister's wedding, the Hubby's birthday and another family member's engagement. There was much to rejoice over and be thankful for. I am now pretty much recovered from the nasty cold, though the poor Hubby is still recovering (he caught it last) and other than a few things that fell over, our home has remained in the same condition as prior to the earthquakes, which is a tremendously undeserved blessing.

The physical trials we faced in the last month could hardly be seen as challenging in the eyes of those in the world who suffer through real tragedy on a daily basis. Comfort has become our enemy in a way that we moan and groan when it is disturbed. How often do we take for granted the blessing of physical health and a sturdy roof over our head? I need to be reminded that every day is a gift from God- not just knowing it, but living it. We are all literally at the mercy of His hands, and our lives are so fragile. All that we own and the talents we possess can be taken away without a moment's notice. And if that were so, what would remain? This past month has left me with some uncomfortable questions, ones that I am still trying to find answers for.

I find that each day is full of little graces that can either make me laugh, smile or want to scream. And sometimes, the laughing is done in hindsight...

Tough life for a tough guy.

What motherhood actually looks like, at least according to me.

A typical "Outfit of the Day."

Meal times are an adventure in themselves.

Why waste a perfectly good smoothie?

There are times when you throw in the towel.

Sometimes you allow them to partake in some monkey business...

...in order to capture that perfect photo.

Who needs to buy toys when the best ones are free?

And the image that our house is always in order? Only when guests are around.

Happy 1st Birthday, Bebe!

This past Monday marked our little one's 1st official birthday. It really feels like a few months ago when we first laid eyes on him - since then our lives have been forever changed. Change never comes easy, and Motherhood has been the most challenging life experience for me thus far. There are days when I end my day staring at the computer screen in exhaustion, too tired (or lazy) to head to bed early. When bebe is sleeping, I rejoice in my freedom, but at the same time I have this crazy urge that misses him. Most of the time, I put it upon myself to try and be an idealistic Mother and Housewife while I am given this "luxury" to stay at home. Society tends to frown upon moms that stay at home, expecting them to be watching dramas all day. If only that was my life, but I've never enjoyed watching dramas anyhow. 

Between running errands, cleaning, cooking and feeding my three babies (Bebe, Daddy and Dogie), the days go by surprisingly quickly. It reminds me that though the day may seem mundane at the moment, it's the mundane that we tend to forget. And one day, our little one won't be so little anymore, nor will he want me to hold him closely to sleep. As I look back on how quickly the year has gone by, the Lord reminds me to be thankful for all the little things that may seem insignificant: teething, outgrown clothing, dirty diapers, food stuck in the high chair - these are all reminders that our little one is growing heathily. It's so easy for me to overlook these things and focus on the challenges at hand. How often do I forget that there was a time when we thought we would never be able to have any children. For this, I need to remember to count my blessings daily...

But of course there are also many rewards that come with being a Mommy, little signs of grace that remind me I'm doing something right: The first time he cried Mum-Mum, or when he plants lip smacks (he doesn't quite know how to actually kiss just yet) on my face when I lay on the ground next to him, or claps his hands in the silly way that he does when I sing him a song. These are the moments I hope to never forget and sometimes wish I could hit a pause button.

I've also come to notice that the world tends to open up around children. Strangers will often stop and smile or make friendly conversation. It's truly amazing how opportunities to connect with others arise when you have a child in tote. It has been our prayer that our little one would be a light onto this dark world, and it brings me so much joy to see that happen even in his young age.

So to celebrate our gappy-toothed bugger, we kept the day relatively low-key by sharing in a meal at home. I found a healthy (minus the frosting) "smash cake" recipe online for Bebe to devour (more like pick at). Though the Hubby cringed at its appearance, our Bebe enjoyed every bit, cooing and kicking his little feet happily as he munched away.

To this day, he still despises hats- it'll be a work in progress.

Every baby is an angel whilst sleeping...